Back to School

Mostly it feels good to be back.  Sioux Falls provides for me a nice place where I can completely relax and recharge my batteries.  I love that Sioux Falls is not a typical "college town."  Yes Augie and USF are there but they don't dominate the population.  I don't worry about my appearance as much at home.  I don't worry about who might see me and who might not.  I like the fact that I don't drive around town desperately trying to see every driver and whether or not I recognize them.  I love being at school but at the same time there feels to be too much pressure.  I am literally surrounded by thousands of my peers.  Every which way I look there is someone around who is my age.  I can't help but feel we are all looking at each other and judging.  I know it's weird and probably just me.  It just feels like we're all in this competition.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel very much on display when coming back to school.  It's amazing the change I feel once I pull of 169 onto Riverfront.  Long gone is the relative anonymity of Sioux falls and in an instant this flash of self-consciousness races through my mind.  I push it to the back of my mind and remind myself that you don't have to change a thing.  However, it still sticks in the back of my mind and causes me to be much more aware of my surroundings.  When I'm walking to class or to my car I make sure I know 7 people in advance coming toward me.  No one takes me by surprise.  By doing this I can decide who warrants me making eye contact or just looking down and scurrying past.  Just once I would like to be able to walk down a hall and not notice anyone.  I am forever swiveling my head this way and that I see everyone who sees me.  I have this overwhelming need to please people.  I can't stand it when I think someone may be mad or annoyed with me.  At the same time though I have no problem stating how or what I feel if it's a legitimate defense.  Sometimes though I think back and feel that I may have overreacted.  It's really hard to just be yourself.  I try every day to just be me.  It's so hard though because I am easily swayed by my surroundings and the people around me.  I feel like a slightly different "me" in Mankato than in Sioux Falls.  I guess as long as I am not completely changing who I am it's ok.  Ultimately I think this feeling comes from going to a large school.  I see new people every day.  You don't know where you stand.  There is less familiarity or at least you have to work harder at becoming familiar. 

That may or may not be clear but I don't care I'm sick of writing about it.